Able to Care

Personal Care Refusal in Dementia Care: How to Reduce Distress and Build Trust

In this solo episode, Andy Baker explores one of the most common and emotionally loaded challenges in adult care, dementia support, residential services and home care: refusal. Too often, refusal is framed as non-compliance, defiance or “being difficult”. But what if refusal is actually communication? What if the behaviour is not about aggression, but about fear, vulnerability, pain, sensory overload, loss of control or a threat to dignity?
This episode is especially relevant for paid and unpaid caregivers, support workers, care staff, parents and educators who want to better understand the people they support rather than simply control behaviour. Andy breaks down how personal care can feel threatening, why task-focused approaches can make things worse, and how a calmer, more relational response can reduce distress, protect trust and improve cooperation over time. He also introduces a practical framework - the 6 Cs - to help carers think more clearly in the moment and respond with more empathy, consistency and skill.
Why listen to this episode?
If you support someone who resists help, becomes distressed during care, or reacts strongly to tasks like washing, dressing, medication or personal support, this episode will help you:
understand why refusal is often communication, not simple defiance
reduce distress without power struggles or force
protect dignity, trust and emotional safety during care tasks
reflect more effectively on what is really driving resistance
use the 6 Cs to improve care planning, consistency and outcomes
Three key messages
Refusal is communication, not just non-compliance.When someone resists care, there is usually a reason underneath it - fear, pain, shame, confusion, sensory discomfort, trauma, autonomy or distress.
If you force the task, you may lose trust.You might get the immediate outcome, but at the cost of dignity, safety and future cooperation.
Better care starts with curiosity, not control.The 6 Cs - comfort, consistency, connection, choice, competency and challenge - offer a practical way to understand what is driving the refusal and respond more effectively.
Timestamps / Chapters
00:00 - Refusal is communication, not just non-complianceWhy forcing a task may win the moment but damage trust, dignity and future cooperation.
00:30 - The scenario: when personal care turns into an incidentA support worker tries to help, the person reacts strongly, and the story quickly becomes “they were being difficult”.
01:15 - Why personal care can feel like a threatHow washing, changing, medication and support can trigger fear, vulnerability, sensory discomfort, embarrassment, trauma, pride or a loss of autonomy.
02:58 - The 6 Cs: a practical framework for understanding refusalAndy introduces comfort, consistency, connection, choice, competency and challenge as a real-time care tool.
03:10 - ComfortIs the person in pain, overloaded, disoriented, tired or physically uncomfortable?
03:32 - ConsistencyWhy different staff doing the same task in different ways can increase distress - and why teams need better shared data, not just opinions.
05:55 - Connection before solutionWhy going in just to do the task often fails - and why relationship, rapport and human connection matter first.
07:02 - Choice, competency and challengeHow offering real choices, preserving independence and recognising fluctuating ability can reduce resistance and protect dignity.
09:19 - A better practical approach to refusalSoftening the approach, offering acceptable options, protecting dignity and pacing support more carefully.
11:04 - If they escalate, do not double downWhy pausing, stepping back and lowering the demand is often safer and more effective than pushing harder.
12:52 - Refusal is dataWhether in adult care, dementia support, parenting or education, refusal should be treated as information - not automatically as defiance.
Resources mentioned
Able Training - behaviour management, care training and practical support for professionals and servicesable-training.co.uk/podcast
Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge by Andy BakerAndy refers to principles from his book throughout the episode.
The Adaptive Caregiver Model: Walking With, Not Ahead: A Practical Guide to Dementia Care That Adapts to the Person, Not the Diagnosishttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Adaptive-Caregiver-Model-Practical-Diagnosis/dp/1918283060
Able links
Website: able-training.co.uk/podcastLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTrainingTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcastYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast
Final reflection
If someone refuses personal care, medication or support, it is easy to focus on the task and miss the message. But behaviour is often the clearest communication a distressed person has. When we slow down, get curious and ask what has made this feel threatening, we give ourselves a better chance of responding with dignity, compassion and skill.
If this episode helped, please like, follow, share or comment so more caregivers, parents, teachers and support staff can access the conversation.

What Children’s Homes Really Need: Rhiannon Hughes on Staffing, Trust and Therapeutic Care

In Part 2 of this two-part conversation, Andy Baker continues his discussion with Rhiannon Hughes, exploring how her lived experience in care now shapes the way she recruits staff for children’s homes - and why that matters so much. Rhiannon shares what she looks for beyond a CV, the difference between an adult who simply works in a children’s home and one who genuinely changes a child’s life, and why consistency, emotional steadiness and therapeutic care matter more than ever. This episode will be especially valuable for residential childcare staff, managers, foster carers, social care leaders, and anyone interested in trauma-informed practice, workforce development and improving outcomes for children in care.
In this episode, we explore:
What good staffing really looks like in children’s homes
Why connection matters more than simply covering shifts
The traits Rhiannon looks for when recruiting staff
Why some adults build trust and others lose it quickly
How lived experience can shape better leadership in children’s care
Rhiannon’s vision for opening her own children’s homes
Three key messages from this episode:
Children’s homes need adults who do not take behaviour personally and who can stay emotionally steady when children are pushing them away.
Recruitment in residential childcare should not just be about filling vacancies - it should be about finding adults who can build trust, safety and consistency.
Real care means helping children build independence, confidence and practical life skills - not just supervising them through the day.
Timestamps / Chapters:24:20 - Part 2 begins: from lived experience to purposeful recruitment24:20 - What Rhiannon looks for beyond a CV25:39 - The difference between an adult who works in care and one who changes lives26:49 - Why children who reject love often need it most27:16 - Being the eldest sibling and carrying responsibility early28:00 - Supporting her sister through homelessness and addiction36:47 - Why Rhiannon wants to open her own children’s homes42:52 - What she would do differently in children’s residential care47:18 - Why care leavers should be encouraged back into the sector47:51 - The one non-negotiable value she would build into her home48:54 - Her message for young people who feel unwanted or unsafe
Why listen to this episode:This episode is a powerful reminder that staffing is never just a numbers issue. In children’s homes, the right adult can change everything. Rhiannon brings a perspective that combines lived experience, care sector insight and a clear vision for doing things better. If you care about therapeutic care, stable teams, trauma-informed practice and building homes where children feel safe, seen and supported, this episode will give you plenty to reflect on.
Resources mentioned / useful links:
Rhiannon Hughes LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rhiannon-hughes-a85469217?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=ios_app
Residential Recruitment: http://www.residentialrecruitment.co.uk
Contact Rhiannon: Rhiannon@residentialrecruitment.co.uk
Follow Able / Able to Care:
Website: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining

Growing Up in Care: Rhiannon Hughes on Trauma, Survival and Sibling Separation

In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, Andy Baker speaks with Rhiannon Hughes about her lived experience of growing up in care in both the UK and Spain, being separated from siblings, surviving instability, and carrying adult responsibilities from a very young age. Rhiannon shares what care felt like from the inside, what she needed most from the adults around her, and how trauma, inconsistency and loss shaped her journey. This episode will resonate with paid and unpaid caregivers, teachers, foster carers, parents and anyone supporting children with trauma, attachment needs or care experience. It is an honest, moving conversation about grief, survival, resilience and why the right adult relationships matter so much.
In this episode, we explore:
What it felt like to enter care as a child
The impact of separation from siblings and repeated disruption
Differences between care experiences in the UK and Spain
What children in care really need from adults around them
How trauma, survival mode and responsibility shape identity
Rhiannon’s powerful story of helping her sister out of homelessness and addiction
Three key messages from this episode:
Children in care do not just need placements - they need consistency, patience and adults who keep showing up.
Trauma can make children highly alert to people, threat and instability, so relationships must feel safe before they can feel meaningful.
Lived experience can become a source of strength, empathy and purpose - but it often comes at a significant emotional cost.
Timestamps / Chapters:00:00 - Introduction and why this conversation matters00:32 - Entering care at six years old due to abuse and neglect02:15 - Foster care, children’s homes and sibling separation04:01 - Moving to Spain and re-entering care overseas05:19 - The grief of losing parents, home, siblings and safety06:24 - What Rhiannon needed most from adults: consistency and patience09:30 - The difference between care in Spain and the UK12:13 - What resilience really cost her15:49 - Leaving care, homelessness and falling through the gaps19:16 - Finding purpose in lived experience and moving into care recruitment23:42 - Why connection and consistency matter more than just filling staff gaps
Why listen to this episode:If you work with children in care, support care-experienced young people, or want to better understand trauma from the inside out, this episode is essential listening. Rhiannon’s story is raw, honest and deeply human. It offers a powerful reminder that behind every behaviour is a history, behind every coping strategy is a survival story, and behind every “difficult” young person is often a child who has had to grow up far too soon.
Resources mentioned / useful links:
Rhiannon Hughes LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rhiannon-hughes-a85469217?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=ios_app
Residential Recruitment: http://www.residentialrecruitment.co.uk
Contact Rhiannon: Rhiannon@residentialrecruitment.co.uk
Follow Able / Able to Care:
Website: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining
Coming next:Part 2 is released next Tuesday, where the conversation shifts into staffing, recruitment, children’s homes, therapeutic care, and what truly makes an adult change a child’s life.

Social Media & Phone Ban: Why Taking Phones Away Can Make Behaviour Worse

Phones, screens, devices and social media are now part of everyday life for children and young people - but the arguments, sleep disruption, emotional fallouts and power struggles that come with them are leaving many parents, carers and professionals unsure what to do next. In this solo episode, Andy Baker explores why simply taking a phone away might bring short-term compliance but can also create long-term resentment, covert behaviour and bigger escalations. Instead of asking only how to stop screen use, Andy unpacks what the phone may actually be doing for a young person - whether that is offering connection, comfort, control, competence, distraction or dopamine regulation - and why that matters if we want to create real change. This episode will be especially useful for paid and unpaid caregivers, teachers, support staff and parents who want a more thoughtful, practical and trauma-informed way of managing screen-related behaviour.
In this episode, Andy covers:
Why the idea that “control equals safety” often backfires
The difference between a design problem and a parenting problem
Why blanket bans and fear-based responses rarely teach real regulation
What phones may be doing for a child or young person emotionally
How to replace power struggles with collaborative boundaries
Why support, planning and alternatives work better than punishment alone
Three key messages
1. The phone is often not the real problemA device may be meeting needs around connection, control, comfort, boredom relief, competence or anxiety management. If we only remove the phone without understanding its function, we usually create a bigger battle rather than a better outcome.
2. Punishment may stop the behaviour briefly, but it rarely teaches regulationTaking a phone away can produce short-term compliance, but it can also increase resentment, secrecy, escalation and rebellion if nothing healthier is put in its place.
3. Better boundaries are built through calm planning, collaboration and repairAndy shares a more effective route: agree boundaries when calm, offer choices, make expectations measurable, and plan for slip-ups so that responsibility grows instead of conflict.
Why listen to this episode?
If you support a child or young person who becomes dysregulated around phones, social media, gaming or screen time, this episode will help you think more clearly and respond more effectively. Rather than relying on threats, bans or constant arguments, Andy offers a more nuanced way of understanding behaviour that fits real family life, care settings and educational environments. It is a practical listen for anyone trying to balance healthy boundaries with empathy, emotional safety and long-term skill building.
Timestamps / Chapter markers
00:00 Why taking a phone away can create more problems than it solves00:21 Phones, screens, social media and the power struggles around them00:58 Why this is not just a parenting issue, but also a design issue01:35 The need for nuance - not every screen is harmful in the same way02:29 Why blanket bans often increase desire rather than teach regulation03:30 Andy’s free family commitment tool for safer screen use at home04:32 How devices have become the modern threat, bribe and power lever05:05 A real-life scenario: phone use, poor sleep and escalating conflict06:05 Why the reaction does not always justify the trigger06:23 What function the phone may be serving for a young person07:29 Dopamine, distraction and why devices can feel hard to regulate08:22 Why removing the strategy without replacing the need does not work09:00 The key needs to explore: connection, control, comfort, competence and challenge10:11 Practical strategies: reduce the need, offer alternatives and teach better regulation12:11 A better approach: agree boundaries when calm13:00 Give structured choices rather than forcing compliance14:11 Make expectations clear and measurable14:39 Plan for slip-ups and return to repair, not punishment15:57 Free resource: Home Electronics Plan and Family Commitment Tool16:33 Final reflections and takeaway message
Resources mentioned
Free resource from Andy BakerHome Electronics Plan and Family Commitment Tool
Able Training websiteable-training.co.uk/podcast
Andy’s bookTargeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge(Referenced as part of Andy’s wider behaviour framework and approach.)
Follow Able
Website: able-training.co.uk/podcastLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTrainingTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcastYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast
If you’ve ever found yourself in a stand-off over a phone, this episode will help you step back, understand what is really going on, and build a more thoughtful plan that supports regulation, safety and healthier long-term habits.

Therapeutic Kindness in Children’s Homes: Building Strong Teams for Better Care

In this episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker speaks with Carmel Saulbrey, Managing Director of Niche Care Homes and founder of The Kindness Code, about what it really takes to build strong, resilient teams in children’s residential care. This conversation explores the emotional demands placed on staff, why therapeutic care is about far more than specialist interventions, and how kindness, consistency and workforce development can change outcomes for both children and the adults supporting them. If you are a caregiver, teacher, parent, foster carer or support professional interested in trauma-informed practice, therapeutic care, staff wellbeing, and children’s residential homes, this episode offers practical insight and real honesty.
What this episode covers
Andy and Carmel explore what makes a children’s home truly therapeutic on a day-to-day level, why staff burnout and turnover are such major issues in residential care, and how even good, caring adults can struggle under pressure when supporting children with trauma. Carmel shares why she believes kindness should be treated as a professional standard, not a soft extra, and explains how The Kindness Code was created to help staff practise therapeutic responses, build confidence, and embed training in real-life scenarios.
Why listen to this episode?
If you work with children who have experienced trauma, this episode will help you think more deeply about:
how therapeutic care shows up in ordinary moments
why good staff sometimes leave difficult roles
how to support teams without losing boundaries
what kindness really looks like when behaviour is challenging
why workforce development matters just as much as child-centred practice
This is a thoughtful episode for anyone who wants to build safer relationships, stronger teams and more consistent care.
Three key messages
1. Therapeutic care is lived in the small moments.It is not just about specialist sessions - it is about how adults respond, repair, connect and stay calm in everyday interactions.
2. Kindness is not weakness.True therapeutic kindness includes warmth, boundaries, honesty and consistency, even when a child is distressed or dysregulated.
3. If we care for the team, the team can care for the children.Staff need support, confidence, practice and psychological safety if they are going to offer children the regulation and connection they need.
Timestamps
00:00 - Introduction and Carmel’s journey into children’s residential care00:46 - What makes a children’s home therapeutic in real life02:02 - Why the emotional demand on staff is so high06:13 - Why good people leave children’s care roles11:10 - The difference between managing behaviour and building safety15:45 - Everyday acts of love, regulation and belonging in children’s homes20:01 - Why Carmel created The Kindness Code24:27 - Using AI to help staff practise therapeutic responses31:00 - The team culture needed to stay calm, kind and consistent42:59 - Carmel’s hopes for The Kindness Code46:22 - A closing message for exhausted residential support workers
Resources mentioned
The Kindness CodeTraining and practice support designed to help staff embed therapeutic kindness, build confidence, and respond more effectively in children’s residential care.
Niche Care HomesCarmel’s children’s residential care homes focused on therapeutic practice, workforce development and creating better outcomes for children.
The Kindness Code PodcastMentioned as part of Carmel’s wider work and message around kindness, care and staff development.
About the guest
Carmel Saulbrey is the Managing Director of Niche Care Homes and founder of The Kindness Code. She is passionate about improving outcomes in children’s residential care by strengthening workforce development, supporting staff wellbeing, and helping teams embed therapeutic practice consistently. Carmel believes that by investing in compassionate, confident and well-supported teams, we create better environments for children and the adults who care for them.
Connect with Able
Website: able-training.co.uk/podcastLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcastYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcastInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining

Why People with Dementia Pace: Understanding Walking, Distress and Unmet Need

In this solo episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker explores one of the most misunderstood behaviours in dementia care - pacing, repetitive walking and repeatedly saying “I need to go home”. Instead of dismissing this as “wandering”, Andy invites carers, teachers, parents and support staff to ask a better question: what is this behaviour trying to communicate? This episode looks at how repetitive behaviour can signal anxiety, sensory dysregulation, loneliness, discomfort, purpose, or an unmet need, and why correcting facts too quickly can make distress worse. If you support someone living with dementia, or anyone whose behaviour can become repetitive under stress, this episode offers a more curious, compassionate and practical way to respond.
What this episode covers:
Andy breaks down why repetitive walking is rarely pointless and is often a strategy to cope with stress, regulate the body, solve a problem or meet a need. He introduces a practical framework - See, Feel, Need, Do - to help supporters slow down, spot patterns, consider the emotional driver, identify possible unmet needs and respond in a more helpful way. He also connects this to the Human Motivation Triangle and the HELP model, showing how behaviour may be linked to human, emotional, location-based or physical needs.
Three key messages:
Repetitive walking is often communication, not “just wandering”What looks like wandering may actually be walking with purpose - searching, soothing, escaping discomfort, seeking connection or trying to complete something important.
Correcting facts can increase distressWhen someone is anxious, telling them “this is your home now” or trying to stop the movement can land as confrontation rather than reassurance.
Curiosity leads to better careRather than asking “how do I stop this?”, ask “what need is underneath this?” Supportive responses such as walking with the person, offering purpose, reducing stimulation or creating a safer route can make a real difference.
Timestamps:
00:00 - Reframing “wandering” as walking with purpose00:30 - The care home scenario: pacing, checking doors and wanting to go home01:15 - Why correcting the facts can make things worse01:55 - Behaviour as strategy: unmet need, stress and regulation02:45 - The Human Motivation Triangle explained03:00 - The See, Feel, Need, Do framework03:35 - What could the person be feeling?04:00 - Could walking be sensory regulation?05:15 - Practical responses that reduce distress06:30 - Building a proactive plan instead of reacting late07:55 - Using the HELP model to understand behaviour08:35 - Why safe walking routes can work better than stopping movement09:00 - Final takeaway: stop asking “how do I stop it?” and ask “what need is there?”
Why listen to this episode?
This episode is especially useful if you support someone living with dementia and want to respond more effectively to pacing, restlessness or repeated requests to go home. It is also relevant for parents, teachers and support staff, because the wider principle applies beyond dementia care: repetitive behaviour often communicates stress, discomfort or unmet need. If you want a calmer, more person-centred way to understand behaviour, this conversation will give you practical tools you can start using straight away.
Resources mentioned:
Able Training website: able-training.co.uk/podcast
Andy Baker’s book: Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge - available via Able’s site and hub.
Andy's & Meghan's book: The Adaptive Caregiver Model: Walking With, Not Ahead: A Practical Guide to Dementia Care That Adapts to the Person, Not the Diagnosis - available on amazon
Listen and connect
Podcast: Able to Care Podcast
Able social media:
Instagram: @AbleTraining
LinkedIn: Able Training
TikTok: @AbleToCarePodcast
YouTube: Able Training YouTube
If this episode helped you think differently about behaviour, please follow, share and leave a review so more carers, parents, teachers and support staff can find it.

Why Belonging Matters: Understanding Behaviour, Trauma & School Exclusion | Dr Lisa Cherry

What does it really mean to belong - and what happens when someone doesn’t?
In this powerful conversation, Andy sits down with Dr Lisa Cherry to unpack one of the most overlooked drivers behind behaviour: the human need for belonging and mattering. Drawing on over 35 years of experience across education, care, and trauma-informed practice, Lisa shares how experiences like school exclusion, care placements, and relational disruption can shape identity, behaviour, and lifelong outcomes.
This episode goes beyond theory. It explores what belonging feels like, how children communicate when they don’t have it, and why behaviour often makes more sense when you stop asking “what’s wrong?” and start asking “where do they belong?”
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver, this conversation will challenge assumptions, deepen empathy, and give you practical ways to create environments where people feel seen, safe, and significant.
🔑 Three Key Messages
1. Behaviour is often a search for belongingWhat we label as “challenging behaviour” is often a person trying to meet a basic human need - to feel accepted, safe, and significant.
2. Fitting in is not the same as belongingFitting in requires changing who you are. Belonging allows you to be who you are. Confusing the two can lead to long-term emotional cost.
3. Small moments create big impactMicro-messages - remembering a name, noticing someone, showing up consistently - quietly communicate: you matter here.
⏱️ Timestamps (Chapters)
00:00 – Introduction and Lisa’s recent work in the US01:20 – Why belonging matters and starting with “unbelonging”04:00 – Care experience, movement, and identity disruption08:45 – How to recognise when someone truly feels they belong12:50 – Belonging vs fitting in (and why it matters)19:00 – The impact of school exclusion on identity and safety21:30 – Why people will always find belonging - even in harmful places24:00 – Gangs, exploitation, and what systems get wrong28:40 – When behaviour pushes people away - what’s really happening32:30 – Don’t take behaviour personally (and how to practise this)36:40 – Micro-messages: how schools signal belonging (or not)43:40 – What a “Web of Belonging” looks like in practice44:40 – Systems, conformity, and the cost of survival behaviour51:30 – Supporting burnt-out staff and carers53:00 – What to say when a child feels they don’t belong56:00 – Conversations parents can have with schools59:50 – Final reflections for children and adults
🎯 Why Listen to This Episode
If you’ve ever thought:
“Why are they behaving like this?”
“Why won’t they accept help?”
“Why does nothing seem to work?”
This episode offers a different lens.
It will help you:
Understand behaviour through belonging, not compliance
Build stronger relationships with children, young people, or those you support
Reflect on your own experiences of fitting in vs belonging
Shift from judgement to curiosity in everyday interactions
📚 Resources Mentioned
Belonging & Mattering Audit Tool (Dr Lisa Cherry):👉 https://www.lisacherry.co.uk/belonging-mattering-audit-tool
Key themes explored:
Belonging vs fitting in
Mattering and significance
Trauma and relational disruption
School exclusion and identity
Micro-messages in environments
👤 About the Guest
Dr Lisa Cherry is an author, researcher, and international trainer specialising in trauma-informed practice and systemic change across education, care, and justice systems.
With over 35 years of experience, Lisa has worked globally supporting professionals to better understand and respond to those living with the legacy of trauma. Her research at the University of Oxford explored how care-experienced adults make sense of belonging.
She is the author of:
Conversations That Make a Difference for Children and Young People
The Brightness of Stars
Weaving a Web of Belonging
Caring for the People Who Care
🔗 Connect with Lisa
Website: https://www.lisacherry.co.uk
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisacherryauthor/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drlisacherry
🔗 Connect with Able Training
🌐 Website & Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingexperience 
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletraining
💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ 
💬 Final Reflection
You’ll hear a lot in this episode about systems, trauma, and behaviour.
But underneath it all is a simple question worth sitting with:
Who feels like they belong in your world - and who might quietly feel like they don’t?

Is It Lying or Coping? Understanding Children’s Behaviour for Parents, Teachers and Caregivers

“He’s lying.”
It’s a phrase heard in classrooms, homes and care settings every day - often said with certainty. But what if that certainty is where we get it wrong?
In this solo episode, behaviour specialist Andy Baker challenges one of the most common assumptions in parenting, teaching and caregiving: that lying is always a conscious choice. Instead, he explores a deeper perspective - that behaviour, including lying, is often a strategy to cope with fear, shame, stress or lack of skills.
Through a relatable school scenario and practical step-by-step guidance, Andy breaks down how our responses can either build honesty… or unintentionally teach children to hide. If you support children or vulnerable individuals, this episode will help you move from reaction to understanding - without losing boundaries.
⏱️ Timestamps (Chapters)
00:00 – “He’s lying” - the assumption we rarely question01:00 – Behaviour as a coping strategy01:40 – The school scenario: caught with the evidence02:00 – Certainty vs understanding02:30 – The hidden assumption behind “lying”03:00 – Confirmation bias and labelling03:30 – A better question: what was the behaviour doing?04:00 – Stress, needs and behaviour explained05:00 – Why punishment can make lying worse05:30 – The 5-step approach begins05:40 – Step 1: De-escalate the identity attack06:30 – Step 2: Separate facts from feelings06:50 – Step 3: Teach a replacement behaviour07:30 – Step 4: Focus on repair, not punishment08:00 – Step 5: Reflect when calm09:00 – Why children can’t learn in survival mode09:30 – Applying this beyond children (adults & dementia)10:30 – When lying is actually confusion or memory11:00 – The key takeaway: test before you label11:30 – The arm-folding exercise (habit vs awareness)12:30 – Final reflections and practical application
🔑 Three Key Messages
Behaviour is often a strategy, not a character flaw.What looks like lying may actually be a child trying to cope with fear, shame or overwhelm.
Punishment without understanding can reinforce the behaviour.If lying protects a child from distress, punishment teaches them to hide it better - not change it.
Connection and curiosity create lasting change.When we understand the “why” behind behaviour, we can teach better skills instead of reinforcing fear.
🎯 Why Listen to This Episode?
You’re a parent, teacher or caregiver dealing with “lying” behaviours
You want practical strategies that go beyond punishment
You’re looking to balance boundaries with empathy
You want to understand behaviour at a deeper, psychological level
You’re supporting children, young people or vulnerable adults under stress
📚 Resources Mentioned
Able Target System (ATS) – Practical framework for behaviour support
Book: Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge – Andy Baker
🌐 Able Training & Podcast Links
Podcast: https://www.able-training.co.uk/podcast
Website: https://www.able-training.co.uk
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-support
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingsupport
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletrainingsupport
💬 A question to reflect on
If a child feels safer lying than telling the truth…what does that say about the environment they’re in?

Understanding Autism Beyond Behaviour: Science, Hope and Practical Support for Parents and Caregivers

Autism can feel overwhelming - not just for the person experiencing it, but for the parents, caregivers and professionals trying to support them.
In this powerful conversation, Andy Baker is joined by Dr Theresa Lyons - international autism educator, Ivy League scientist, and founder of Navigating AWEtism. Blending scientific research with lived experience as a parent, Theresa challenges some of the most common assumptions about autism and offers a different lens: one that focuses on understanding the biology behind behaviour.
Together, they explore why so many families feel lost in conflicting advice, how behaviour can be a form of communication rather than something to “fix”, and what it means to move from overwhelm to clarity. This episode is particularly valuable for anyone supporting autistic individuals who wants a more evidence-informed, compassionate and practical approach.
⏱️ Timestamps (Chapters)
00:00 – Introduction and setting the scene01:00 – Why Google gets autism wrong03:00 – What an autism diagnosis actually measures05:00 – Why autism is often misunderstood07:00 – The role of health in autism (and why it’s often ignored)09:00 – Diet, inflammation, and individual differences12:00 – Can autism change over time? Understanding outcomes15:00 – Myths that may be holding families back18:00 – Identity vs diagnosis: an important distinction20:00 – Sensory processing and the nervous system23:00 – What support looks like after diagnosis (and what’s missing)24:30 – Biology behind behaviour explained simply26:00 – Why behaviour is communication28:00 – “Is it autism or behaviour?” - a better way to think30:00 – Cognitive ability vs communication barriers33:00 – Non-speaking individuals and hidden intelligence36:00 – New research and early biological testing39:00 – Moving towards more personalised autism understanding42:00 – Avoiding overwhelm: making evidence-based decisions44:00 – The Navigating Autism Matrix explained46:00 – Real-life changes families have experienced49:00 – Restricted eating and what might be behind it52:00 – Supporting autistic adults with compassion54:00 – Seeing the person on their best day56:00 – What to do when you feel overwhelmed as a caregiver59:00 – Theresa’s mission and final reflections
🔑 Three Key Messages
Behaviour is not random - it’s communication.Whether driven by environment, biology, or unmet need, behaviour always tells a story.
Autism is currently diagnosed by observation - not biology.Understanding underlying health, sensory, and neurological factors can open up new ways of supporting individuals.
Clarity reduces overwhelm.When parents and caregivers move from reacting to understanding, they make more confident, effective decisions.
🎯 Why Listen to This Episode?
You’re overwhelmed by conflicting autism advice and want clearer direction
You support a child or adult with autism and want to understand behaviour more deeply
You’re interested in the science behind autism, not just the labels
You want practical ways to support communication, wellbeing and development
You’re looking for hope - without unrealistic promises
📚 Resources & Mentions
Navigating AWEtism Platform – https://navigatingawetism.com
Dr Theresa Lyons’ LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/theresamlyonsphd/
Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/navigating_awetism/
TikTok – https://www.tiktok.com/@navigatingawetism
Book reference (Amazon) – https://amzn.to/47nfk24
🌐 Able Training & Podcast Links
Podcast: https://www.able-training.co.uk/podcast
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-support
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingsupport
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletrainingsupport
👤 About the Guest
Dr Theresa Lyons is an international autism educator, Ivy League-trained scientist (PhD, Yale), and parent of a child with autism. She is the founder and CEO of Navigating AWEtism, a platform designed to translate complex autism science into practical, actionable strategies for families. She has supported parents in over 21 countries, helping them move from confusion to clarity using evidence-based approaches.
💬 A thought to leave you with
If behaviour is communication…What might change if we focused less on stopping it, and more on understanding it?

Attention-Seeking or Connection-Seeking? Understanding Behaviour That Challenges

What if the biggest shift in behaviour support isn’t about techniques… but about how we think?
In this solo episode, Andy Baker explores one of the most underrated skills in caregiving, education and parenting: intellectual humility. The ability to step back and question your assumptions can transform how you understand behaviour - whether it’s a child labelled “attention-seeking”, a student seen as “lazy”, or an adult perceived as “difficult”.
Through relatable stories and practical examples, Andy challenges the way we interpret behaviour, showing how labels can block connection, fuel confirmation bias, and escalate situations. Instead, he introduces a more effective approach built on curiosity, emotional awareness, and understanding the hidden reasons behind behaviour.
If you’ve ever felt stuck, frustrated, or unsure how to respond to behaviour that challenges - this episode will help you see things differently… and respond more effectively.
⏱️ Timestamps (Chapters)
00:00 - Attention-seeking vs connection-seeking: why framing matters00:35 - The most underrated skill: intellectual humility01:00 - Why we misread behaviour (and overestimate our understanding)01:30 - The “bouncing ball” story: behaviour makes sense in context02:30 - Why past experiences shape present reactions03:00 - How small moments can create lasting emotional impact04:00 - Invalidation, shame, and why “it doesn’t matter” doesn’t help04:30 - The power of curiosity in behaviour support05:00 - Why caregivers lose curiosity under pressure05:30 - The problem with labels like “lazy”, “liar”, or “manipulative”06:00 - How labels fuel confirmation bias07:00 - Why labels create disconnection07:30 - A better question: “Why this, why now?”08:30 - Fixing vs managing behaviour - knowing the difference09:00 - Communication beyond words: tone, body language and presence10:00 - Why calm is the most practical intervention10:30 - How assumptions leak through your communication10:50 - De-escalation through alignment and connection11:30 - Connection before correction in practice12:30 - Key takeaway: labels create lazy thinking13:00 - Why curiosity leads to better care and stronger relationships13:30 - Turning curiosity into consistent practice (Able Target System)
🔑 Three Key Messages
Labels aren’t explanations - they’re shortcuts.They often oversimplify behaviour and reinforce confirmation bias, limiting your ability to see the full picture.
Behaviour always makes sense… in context.What looks like an overreaction might be completely logical when you understand someone’s past experiences.
Curiosity creates connection - and connection changes outcomes.Asking “why this, why now?” helps you respond more effectively while maintaining boundaries and dignity.
🎯 Why Listen to This Episode?
You’ll rethink common behaviour labels like “attention-seeking”, “lazy”, or “manipulative”
You’ll gain practical tools to reduce conflict and improve communication
You’ll learn how to balance empathy with boundaries
You’ll understand how your mindset directly impacts the people you support
You’ll walk away with a clearer, calmer approach to behaviour that challenges
📚 Resources Mentioned
The Able Target System – A structured approach to behaviour support, de-escalation, and reflection
Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge – Andy Baker’s book
The Adaptive Caregiver (coming soon) – A model focused on improving wellbeing and quality of life through adaptive support
🌐 Links & Socials
Website: https://www.able-training.co.uk/podcast
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-support
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingsupport
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletrainingsupport
A thought to leave you with:
If the behaviour makes no sense to you… is that about them - or about the limits of your current understanding?