3 days ago

Why Belonging Matters: Understanding Behaviour, Trauma & School Exclusion | Dr Lisa Cherry

What does it really mean to belong - and what happens when someone doesn’t?

In this powerful conversation, Andy sits down with Dr Lisa Cherry to unpack one of the most overlooked drivers behind behaviour: the human need for belonging and mattering. Drawing on over 35 years of experience across education, care, and trauma-informed practice, Lisa shares how experiences like school exclusion, care placements, and relational disruption can shape identity, behaviour, and lifelong outcomes.

This episode goes beyond theory. It explores what belonging feels like, how children communicate when they don’t have it, and why behaviour often makes more sense when you stop asking “what’s wrong?” and start asking “where do they belong?”

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver, this conversation will challenge assumptions, deepen empathy, and give you practical ways to create environments where people feel seen, safe, and significant.

🔑 Three Key Messages

1. Behaviour is often a search for belonging
What we label as “challenging behaviour” is often a person trying to meet a basic human need - to feel accepted, safe, and significant.

2. Fitting in is not the same as belonging
Fitting in requires changing who you are. Belonging allows you to be who you are. Confusing the two can lead to long-term emotional cost.

3. Small moments create big impact
Micro-messages - remembering a name, noticing someone, showing up consistently - quietly communicate: you matter here.

⏱️ Timestamps (Chapters)

00:00 – Introduction and Lisa’s recent work in the US
01:20 – Why belonging matters and starting with “unbelonging”
04:00 – Care experience, movement, and identity disruption
08:45 – How to recognise when someone truly feels they belong
12:50 – Belonging vs fitting in (and why it matters)
19:00 – The impact of school exclusion on identity and safety
21:30 – Why people will always find belonging - even in harmful places
24:00 – Gangs, exploitation, and what systems get wrong
28:40 – When behaviour pushes people away - what’s really happening
32:30 – Don’t take behaviour personally (and how to practise this)
36:40 – Micro-messages: how schools signal belonging (or not)
43:40 – What a “Web of Belonging” looks like in practice
44:40 – Systems, conformity, and the cost of survival behaviour
51:30 – Supporting burnt-out staff and carers
53:00 – What to say when a child feels they don’t belong
56:00 – Conversations parents can have with schools
59:50 – Final reflections for children and adults

🎯 Why Listen to This Episode

If you’ve ever thought:

  • “Why are they behaving like this?”
  • “Why won’t they accept help?”
  • “Why does nothing seem to work?”

This episode offers a different lens.

It will help you:

  • Understand behaviour through belonging, not compliance
  • Build stronger relationships with children, young people, or those you support
  • Reflect on your own experiences of fitting in vs belonging
  • Shift from judgement to curiosity in everyday interactions

📚 Resources Mentioned

👤 About the Guest

Dr Lisa Cherry is an author, researcher, and international trainer specialising in trauma-informed practice and systemic change across education, care, and justice systems.

With over 35 years of experience, Lisa has worked globally supporting professionals to better understand and respond to those living with the legacy of trauma. Her research at the University of Oxford explored how care-experienced adults make sense of belonging.

She is the author of:

  • Conversations That Make a Difference for Children and Young People
  • The Brightness of Stars
  • Weaving a Web of Belonging
  • Caring for the People Who Care

🔗 Connect with Lisa

🔗 Connect with Able Training

💬 Final Reflection

You’ll hear a lot in this episode about systems, trauma, and behaviour.

But underneath it all is a simple question worth sitting with:

Who feels like they belong in your world - and who might quietly feel like they don’t?

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