Shame Doesn’t Teach: A Better Way for Parents, Teachers & Carers

In this powerful solo episode of the Able to Care Podcast, host Andy Baker explores why shame—while still commonly used to manage behaviour in homes, classrooms, and care settings—often does more harm than good. From outdated scripts to emotional reactions, we dive into how shame suppresses learning, damages trust, and diminishes self-esteem in children and adults alike.

Whether you’re a teacher, parent, or carer, this episode offers practical insights on how to shift away from shame-based responses and towards compassionate, constructive behaviour support.

💡 Sponsor: Carers Card UK

This episode is proudly sponsored by Carers Card UK, the UK’s number one carers card offering discounts, support, and community for paid and unpaid carers.

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🛠️ Resources Mentioned

📖 Targeting the Positive: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Supporting Challenging Behaviours by Andy Baker
🔗 Buy the book

🎓 Need training for your team on trauma-informed practice and behaviour management?
🔗 Able Training

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🔑 Key Messages

1. Shame doesn’t teach — it suppresses: Labelling children or adults as “naughty” or “bad” can damage their self-esteem and block emotional growth.

2. Short-term compliance isn’t long-term learning: Shame may stop behaviour in the moment, but it doesn’t foster understanding, empathy, or reflection.

3. Teach through connection, not condemnation: Use natural consequences, curiosity, and reflection to guide behaviour positively and sustainably.

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⏳ Timestamps (Chapters)

00:00 – Why calling a child “naughty” can be harmful
01:11 – 🎧 Sponsor: Carers Card UK
02:18 – The psychology of shame and learned helplessness
03:48 – Real-world examples: classrooms, care homes, and parenting
05:03 – The long-term damage of shame on self-esteem
06:22 – Shame breeds secrecy, not growth
07:02 – Shame breaks trust and emotional connection
07:45 – Why shame persists and how it's emotionally reactive
08:35 – Instant compliance vs. authentic behaviour change
09:36 – Fight, flight, freeze: How shame becomes an emotional weapon
10:40 – How to replace shame with restorative practice and empathy
11:52 – Use natural consequences, not humiliation
12:56 – Respond with curiosity, not condemnation
13:50 – Repair and reflect after behaviour, not reprimand
14:46 – The myth of “not enough discipline” and the call for connection
15:40 – What kind of society are we really building with shame?

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🎧 Why Listen to This Episode?

This episode is a must-listen for:
✔ Parents navigating challenging behaviour
✔ Teachers balancing emotional needs and discipline in the classroom
✔ Carers supporting individuals with emotional or behavioural distress

You’ll walk away with practical ways to support behaviour through empathy, growth mindset, and restorative connection—instead of outdated shame-based tools.

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🔗 Connect with Us

📲 Instagram: @AbleTraining
📲 LinkedIn: Able Training
📲 TikTok: @AbleToCarePodcast
🌐 Website: AbleHub.uk

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🎧 If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, share it with someone who needs to hear it, and leave a review. Let’s create a world where behaviour is understood—not shamed.