Lies, Trust and Survival: Rethinking Dishonesty

Lying is one of the behaviours that gets under our skin the most. Whether it’s a child saying “I didn’t do it”, a teen spinning a story, or an adult covering up a mistake, our instinct is often to jump straight to moral judgment. But what if lying isn’t about dishonesty at all? What if it’s about survival, safety, control, and self-esteem?

In this solo episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker explores the psychology of lying—why it’s a universal behaviour across ages and cultures, what research reveals about punishment versus empathy, and how parents, teachers, and carers can respond in ways that build trust and honesty instead of shame.

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🔗 Resources & Links Mentioned

• Carers Card UK – sponsor of the Able to Care Podcast

• Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge – Andy Baker’s book with the TARGET model for de-escalation and behaviour support (available worldwide)

• Research on lying in child development: Talwar & Lee (2008) – Developmental milestone of lying and theory of mind

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🧠 Three Key Messages

1. Lying is normal, not immoral – From monkeys using false calls to five-year-olds testing theory of mind, lying is an adaptive survival strategy.

2. Punishment breeds better liars – Harsh sanctions don’t reduce lying; they teach children to get better at deception to protect themselves.

3. Curiosity beats judgment – Instead of “they lied to me,” ask: What need is this lie protecting? Empathy builds honesty, while shame destroys trust.

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⏱️ Chapter Timestamps

• 00:00 – Why lying triggers moral judgment

• 00:25 – 💙 Sponsor: Carers Card UK

• 01:45 – Lying across species and cultures

• 03:14 – Why all children lie (developmental milestone)

• 05:10 – Punishment vs empathy: Malaysian study insights

• 07:45 – Why people lie for control, safety, and esteem

• 09:22 – Dementia, FASD, and “filling the gaps”

• 10:22 – Storytelling, self-worth, and “identity lying”

• 11:35 – Reframing lies: survival, not deceit

• 13:00 – Avoiding the “parenting trap” when teaching truth

• 15:17 – Why harsh responses fuel deception

• 16:27 – Repairing trust instead of shaming

• 17:57 – Natural consequences and safe environments

• 18:45 – Final reflection: when honesty feels safe, truth grows

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🎯 Why Listen to This Episode?
If you’ve ever felt frustrated by lying—whether in the classroom, at home, or in care—this episode will change how you see it. Andy Baker blends research, psychology, and lived experience to show how lying can be reframed as a protective behaviour and how empathy, not punishment, is the key to building lasting trust.

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